our new home

We just got the call and our offer was accepted on a house! We still need to get the inspection, but it looks like we’re about a month away from moving in! We got it for CHEAP too! It’s a 4 bedroom, 3 bath house just a few miles away from our church. I’m stoked that it has a loft and a couple of pretty sweet Man Cave possibilities. It also has a pretty sweet Hawaiian room that Brian Wurzell discovered first, haha!

We’re stoked to have a home that we can use for ministry! We’re excited to open the doors up to friends, family, students, and anyone else who is looking to beat the heat!

You can send your donations for this ministry to “Mission Community Church, ATTN: Ryan Guard” ha!

Here are a few pictures from the online listing:

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we made it

We’re here in AZ! Well, I’m here… Lindsay went to Ohio for 5 days already. She seriously needs to get a job with Southwest Airlines.

We’re staying with our friends Brian and Promise until we land somewhere permanently. We’re not moving back into our old house (it’s still for sale). There are houses here in AZ going for like 150k that were TWICE that just a year ago (just like mine that is STILLLL FOR SAAAAAAALE). We’ll be house shopping non-stop once Lindsay gets back in town.

Tonight is my welcome party with the students, and then this weekend I’m being commissioned up front in all five services. Should be fun! Then on Monday I am in the office to hit the ground running! I love driving up and seeing the construction going on!

Lindsay is going to keep her eyes open for a job- let us know if you’ve got a great one for her!

I’m so excited to plug in and start doing life with this community. I’m missing my Calvary students for sure… this new crew has some huge shoes to fill, and so do I!

parking lot redemption

When I was in high school I drove a 1974 Impala for a while. I bought it with about 60,000 miles on it in 1998 for $1,500. Some little old lady drove to to the store and to b-i-n-g-o for 24 years.

impalaShe was a beauty.

A humongous beauty.

A really humongous, hard-to-steer beauty.

My previous car had been a Ford Escort. A really small, easy to steer car.

I was pulling into the grocery store in the Impala one day, and was about to pull into a parking spot when *SMASH*… something like this happened:

wrong wayI was driving the wrong way through the parking lot, tried to hook into a spot in the Impala, and smashed right into a parked car.

It was the middle of the day so there were all sorts of people who heard and saw it.

I got out of my car, made eye contact with at least five of the witnesses, checked out the damage, dropped my head in disappointment, and went back to my car to get some paper. I walked back to the car, knowing I was being watched, and began to write. I knew they were all thinking I was writing my insurance information, but I didn’t have insurance. So I wrote him a note.

“I hit your car. It sucks to be you…”

I put it under his windshield wiper, got back in my car and went home. I wish I was kidding with you…

Bring on the hate mail.

Last week this same sort of thing happened at Calvary. A student came to our Wednesday night gathering and came out to a smashed car. Someone had done exactly what I did… and they didn’t leave a note.

So on Sunday I asked our high school ministry to chip in so we could help pay for the damages. We raised over $300 to help Peter so he doesn’t have to work all summer to pay off someone else’s mistake.

And I felt a little bit of redemption from my own wickedness. A little bit 😉

I’m the reason Catholics invented Purgatory… I should probably have to suffer a little bit when I die for doing stuff like this.

Have you ever hit a parked car or anything else similar?

Have you ever ruined someone else’s property and left a note that says “It sucks to be you“, or am I all alone in my wickedness?


Guacamole tastes like vomit

puking

How can anyone like guacamole?

I just don’t get it. It tastes like vomit. The guy in the picture is a guacamole maker. Grab some chips.

Guacamole tastes like someone else’s vomit.

I can’t stand onions… but I get why people like them. Tomatoes are nasty to me, but I get it. I would rather eat a plate of broken glass than a plate of asparagus, but I can see why someone would like asparagus.

But I do not taste or see anything appetizing about guacamole.

“Oh, but you haven’t had _____’s guacamole. If you had _____’s guacamole then you’d change your mind.”

I had their guacamole and I hated it.

Are there any other normal people out there who can’t stand this stuff?

Are you a guacamole lover?

If it isn’t guacamole, what food triggers your gag reflex?

car troubles

hondaSo we took my wife’s car into the shop because it sounded like… well, like a bicycle with baseball cards in the spokes. But only when you accelerated, and only for about 5 minutes. A small nuisance, but we figured we should probably get it fixed before we drive it to Arizona next week. We were also talking about getting the windows tinted, because you don’t drive around in AZ without tinted windows.

The car is a ’98 Civic with over 100k miles, so she’s getting old.

I didn’t realize how old she was getting.

Here’s the quote that the Honda dealer just emailed me… the car isn’t worth anywhere near what the repairs would cost!!!

noise heard while driving is cracked exhaust manifold / replace manifold & a pipe w/ shields $1226.18

cracks in drive belts (original) replace t-belt,water pump,drive belts & seals $713.89

wrong spark plugs are in the car – need replacement $98

oil pan gskt leaking oil needs replacement $278

voltage high at idle need valve adjustment & EFI $389.90

Rear brakes at replacement $219.95 shoes

What should we do??? We don’t have that kind of cash just laying around!

Take it out back and shoot it?

Trade it in?

Take it on a ride like Thelma and Louise?

What would you do???

looooong day

Wednesdays are always long day, but this one was looooooong!

I started off the day speaking in Calvary’s 4th-6th grade chapel. Told a couple stories that resulted in the school principal calling me 30 minutes later. I’m no longer allowed to talk about kids peeing on other kids, even if its a true story! It had been 12 years since my last conversation with a principal about something I had done wrong. Oh, the memories!

Then I spoke in the Kindergarten-3rd grade chapel. Those little guys sang their hearts out… they sing louder than any other age group in our church. It’s too bad it fades along the way for so many people. They were amazing listeners too! Praise God for giving me a completely new message to share with them 20 minutes before I hit the stage (since my previous message got vetoed).

Then I taught in my high school ministry. I thought I bombed it… but then I got all sorts of positive feedback. Why is it always that way? You think you brought it and people were sleeping… you think you bombed it and people are recommitting their recommitments.

And now my iPhone has died… even after I charged it. Dead. Nothing.

Would you like some tea, officer?

A miracle in Mississippi…

A man shot his wife in the head and then took his own life. We hear this sort of tragic news way too often. This is definitely a tragic story. But with a twist.

The bullet entered the woman’s head through her forehead, went straight through the lobes causing NO MAJOR DAMAGE, and then exited the back of her head.

The humorous part of the story (if I can call it that without being too insensitive) is that she not only survived the gunshot wound… she was coherent enough to answer the door when the police came. She was confused about what had happened, but hospitable enough to offer the officers some tea!

Check out the full story HERE.

This trumps every single one of my near-death stories!

my old man hip

old-manFor 8 years or so I’ve dealt with pain that is sometimes nagging and sometimes excruciating.

Some days I can barely walk; other days I don’t feel a thing. I’ve had days where I couldn’t get out of bed (or even lay in bed) because it hurt so bad.

I’ve had MRI’s, x-rays, physical therapy, massages, and chiropractic work done. The MRI’s and x-rays found nothing (pretty much). If you look at me straight on you can see it: my right shoulder is about an inch higher than my left.

I can’t remember doing anything to dislodge, rip, tear, damage my hip/lower back… but there’s still pain.

I have an old man hip.

And for 8 years I’ve just…sorta…come to terms with it. I realized today that I have accepted it as a normal part of life.

Today it hurts, tomorrow it probably won’t. Some days I play tackle football, other days I play lay-on-the-ground-and-moan-in-whiny-pain.

Chiropractors, doctors, and acrobatic massage therapists have had no success.

I’m just a little bit broken.

Am I alone? What pain nags you?

Complain away… tell me what kind of physical pain you’ve had to deal with. This won’t be very uplifting, but um… it’s totally true that misery loves company. Let’s all whine together 🙂

Red means STOP

I am fuming.

I’ve complained so many times about these moronic red-light runners in California. They’re everywhere. I can’t drive a mile without seeing one. I’d say that I hate them, but that’s more emotion than truth coming through. I hate that their petty hurriedness leads to fatal accidents. Some freaking 22-year-old kid runs a red light last night and kills 3 people , one of them a pitcher for the Angels. Then the kid tries to flee the scene.

I’ll admit that I have caught up to red-light runners, rolled my window down and asked them if they realize they just ran a red light. I’ve even pointed out that it was completely pointless because I didn’t run the light and I am now sitting next to them at the next light.

Yeah, I’m that guy.

I can’t stand it when sloppy people put innocent people’s lives in danger.

I’ll be praying for the families that lost their loved ones… and I’ll even pray for the stupid kid who caused all of this because he didn’t have an extra 45 seconds. Even he deserves a second chance (after a very long stint in prison).